My Life As an Air-Guitarist - Chapter 3: Getting to the Point

Chapter Three: Getting To the Point

Need to catch up? Find the preceding chapters here.

Now, if you know me, you probably know talking myself up isn't something I'm too comfortable doing. In fact, my wife says I'm horrible in job interviews because I don't know how to sell myself. But despite that, I feel confident saying I would consider myself to be an above-average air-guitarist. I mean, I've been practicing since the 70s, so I should be.

But, to my point, one afternoon about 8 to 10 years ago, as I was shredding my imaginary axe in our living room, my two sons watched in amazement and wonder as I effortlessly nailed note after note (the beauty of young children is that, not only will they refrain from poking fun at you for air-guitaring, they actually think it's cool and are one of the best audiences to practice in front of and boost your confidence). 

During a break in the music, one of my boys mustered the courage to ask, "Dad, if you had an actual guitar in your hands would it sound just like that song?"

My moment had arrived. The sign of a true master. They couldn't believe the accuracy and precision of the fingering on display. It was so on point that if my hands were lined up with a real instrument, it must surely sound exactly like the glory that was pouring from the speakers...

"Probably," I shrugged with a casual air of self-assurance, even though deep down I knew I was full of shit. How could I let these kids think otherwise? We’d spent years bullshitting them about the existence of Santa Claus and his impossible feat of delivering presents to kids across the globe in one night. Am I all of a sudden expected to have a clear conscience and take this moment to be honest with them over the technicality of my guitar skills? Hell no. They'll figure it out later, and by then they'll have moved on to caring about other things like making out how to get booze. At this moment in time, while kids are on the playground claiming they're dad can beat up someone else's dad, my kids will be bragging that their dad is better than Eddie Van Halen.

Now, I CAN play guitar...sort of. I have one acoustic and four electric guitars. The irony is that the number of guitars I own outnumbers the number of chords I can play. But they look cool lined up in the room, and according to Bono, all you need is a red guitar, three chords, and the truth. I know three chords, and I have one guitar that's maroon-ish, but as I just admitted, I have a tendency not to be truthful with children, so I'm not quite there.

But every year, as the weather turns for the worse and I start to spend more time inside, I always commit to playing more guitar. And I usually do, but it takes a while to build the calluses back up on my fingers, and I have to relearn what I’ve forgotten. Air-guitar does not help build calluses, unfortunately.

But why waste so much time trying to learn guitar, when I can already air-guitar with near perfection?

Practice makes perfect, and I have a lot. How did I get here? With help from some inspirational rock-n-roll legends who've been so gracious as to let me jam by their side for the last few decades. Reflecting on all of this, I feel I should show my gratitude and offer a heartfelt "thank you" for their work.

So here they are. The songs I've spent hours, days, weeks, even years on end, practicing, cutting my chops to, honing my craft with, carving my technique alongside, and trying to seduce the babes with...

These are my top 12 songs to air-guitar along with. These are the songs that will make me stop what I'm doing, strike a pose, and start airing away, possibly with a tennis racquet, a broom, a whiffle ball bat, even a plunger, or just my bare friggin' hands.

Why 12? Because when I posed the question of what my favorite songs to air-guitar were to myself, I quickly wrote down those that immediately came to mind and I knew exactly why they were included. Any more would have started to water down the list. Any less and I would have left an important part of my life out that would have kept me up at night.

I have not ranked these in any patterned order, such as first to last, or vice-versa. However, I have considered their placement with purpose. The first one played a pivotal moment in my air-guitaring history, and I hold the final three on an elevated pedestal that raises them above all others in terms of the passion and complexity involved. They are simply on another level.

These are not my favorite songs of all time, and not necessarily my favorite songs by these artists, but they are my all-time favorite songs to air-guitar to.

Are we ready? Then let's go...

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