The Lingering Effects of Getting Kicked in the Nuts

I feel like I need to clarify something from a recent post. The thought of kicking the opposing coach in the nuts, while a straight-up violent act, driven by a lethal mix of frustration and anger and capable of delivering a crippling injury, would have been dispatched with the intention of causing complete public humiliation as opposed to physical discomfort.

Sure, a direct hit to the nuts does indeed come with excruciating pain whether it be from an oncoming assailant or just the unfortunate placement of oneself on the seat of a bicycle, but what tends to hurt more is the lingering embarrassment that comes with unintended contact to the genital area.

Think about it. Boxing, a sport based on the whole idea of hitting your opponent until he falls down, has devised a rule for nothing “below the belt”. Even with a protective cup in place, if crotch shots were allowed in boxing, matches would be over in mere minutes. Men would rush at their opponent, furiously jabbing at the crotch in an effort to try to punch the other in the balls as hard as possible. One direct shot and it’s over. Even if most of the hit was absorbed by an athlete's most important piece of protective gear, a square punch to the nads in front of an audience is the equivalent of a TKO.

If it were allowed in karate, instead of “Sweep the leg”, Cobra Kais would be known for “Kick him in the nuts.”

At the beginning of the comedy film “Raw”, a young Eddie Murphy is telling a joke at a family gathering about a monkey and a lion. You know what the lion did when he told the monkey he could make the stars come out? “Heeeeeeeee kicked him in the ding ding!”.

Because getting kicked in the ding ding is funny. Unless it’s you. Then it’s humiliating.

In Mortal Kombat, one of the hardest moves to pull off is the Johnny Cage nut-punch. It requires you to get right next to your opponent without being touched and, if your successful, Johnny Cage does a quick leg split, lowering himself to crotch level while sneaking in a snickers worth of ball jamming joy. If you can manage to pull it off, it is one of the most rewarding moves in the game. Because it’s humiliating. A roundhouse to the face or a right-handed uppercut will cause more damage, but psychologically, the nut punch wins. Why does anyone pick to Johnny Cage as a character? They pick Johnny Cage as a character so that they can punch their opponent in the balls.

Taking its place among the Top 5 Funniest Moments in “Austin Powers in Goldmember” is the “Release the Meteor” scene because of some good, old-fashioned slapstick right where it counts.

Don't view me as a violent assailant. No physical harm meant here, just a little “how ya doin’?” because this coach needed some humble pie served with a side of crushed nuts.