Tool Fan Unable to Afford Weed After Buying New Album

A full week after the initial release of progressive-psychedelic-art hard rock band Tool’s new album, “Fear Inoculum” - a release fans have been waiting patiently for for 13 years since their previous studio-recorded offering - lifelong Tool fan, Steve Mahoney, finally gets his chance to listen to it after a painstaking wait of an additional week from when he purchased the album last Friday.

When asked why he had to wait, Mahoney, a Weymouth, MA, native, explained it was important to get the full “experience” on the initial listen.

“Well, when I went to buy the album, I didn’t know it was going to cost $45. So after shelling out what was pretty much all of my paycheck for the CD, I didn’t have enough left over to buy any weed.”

Mahoney, who works part-time at 7-Eleven, had to wait until today to pick up this week’s paycheck to meet up with his dealer and purchase the eighth ounce of marijuana he needed in order to complete the experience of enjoying the first new Tool music since 2006. The pot purchase normally would have been made last week had the funds been available.

The packaging for the release, which includes a tri-fold case that opens to reveal a 36-page booklet, also includes a 4” HD video screen with speakers on either side that plays a movie. The intricate, technologically advanced album packaging drove up the price point which requires a small loan or layaway option for many fans.

“Usually, my buddy Dan and I roll a joint and crank tunes in his mom’s basement before she gets home from work. But after paying for the CD, we didn’t have enough cash leftover to get any pot. I mean, Guns n Roses made us wait 15 years for Chinese Democracy, but at least it didn’t cost my whole paycheck.”

As resourceful as Steve and Dan are, a thorough search of Dan’s basement for a leftover roach still didn’t turn up a thing which led to the pair putting the psychedelic experience of listening to the album on hold for the additional week.

Finding the album on street date a week ago proved to be difficult from the outset.

“The first place I went to was Best Buy. But since it's been 13 years since I bought Tool’s last album there, I didn’t realize they’d stopped selling CDs sometime in the past decade. A lot has changed since 2006. When I realized how the album was packaged, I guess I probably should have checked the section where they sell the TVs. They may have had it displayed there.”

After trying Circuit City, only to discover that it is closed and is now a Dave and Buster’s, Steve managed to find a store in the mall across the street carrying CDs.

While we all may be afraid of a little Inoculum now and then, the real fear set in upon seeing the fully-stocked endcap of what surely promised to be 86 minutes of 90s metal guitar and drum bliss flashing the prohibitive price tag.

“We knew we were fucked at that point,” admitted Steve.

Asked why they didn’t just pass on the CD purchase and give the album a listen on Spotify, Steve reached into the front pocket of his gray New England Patriots 2015 Super Bowl Champions hooded sweatshirt to reveal a Sanyo flip phone.

So, does the album live up to its high price point?

“A movie automatically launches every time you open the CD package to listen to it. It’s like those birthday cards that play music every time you open them. At first it’s neat but eventually, it gets annoying. But I like the album.

“Plus, just like every other Tool album, I learn a little bit more Latin with each one.”