5,986th Day Back to Work

Can you believe it? It’s the 5,986th day “back to work” for this lil’ guy. Man, how they grow up. Mom and dad sure are proud.

New outfit on your 5,986th day? Not quite. In fact, this is a shirt I wear about once a week and secretly wonder if my coworkers notice that I wear the same shirt that often. Actually, it hasn’t been washed since the last two times I’ve worn it and since I’m too lazy to break out the iron, I just threw it in the dryer with a sheet of Bounce this morning to freshen it up.

But I’m raring to go. Unfortunately, no brand-spankin’-new Trapper Keeper to compliment this back-to-work-look today either. In fact, I’m still sluggin’ away with the same company-issued laptop I was given seven years ago that takes a good 15 minutes to start up every day and barely carries enough battery charge to last through any meeting that goes longer than 42 minutes.

“Don’t mind me, not peeking up your skirt Lisa, just need to get under the conference table here to plug in my laptop since it looks like we still need to go over those Q4 projections and my computer’s about to shit the bed”

Like clockwork, I get the daily reminder to “click here” to install the Adobe update for software I didn’t even realize I had. Thank god for the “Remind Me Later” option that I’ve been clicking on every day for the last eight and a half months. I put it off because, for one, I don’t use Adobe (as far as I know), and two, I don’t want to call IT to come over and type in the company’s authentication password on my computer fearing they’ll see how many items I have stored on my desktop and pass judgment on me.

While mornings may start with what might seem like mundane rituals to you, I don’t let the continuation of what will soon amount to 6,000 days of work get me down. Why, that must be at least getting to the halfway point of retirement, right?

Plus, it’s only 84 more days until Thanksgiving, the next Holiday on the calendar that I get a non-weekend day off from work.

It’s right about now that I tend to remind myself that steering my English major toward a career in teaching as opposed to that of a writer seems like it may have been the better option. 

Seriously, summer’s off? Not to mention that a quick review of my kids’ school year calendar reveals that with Labor Day, two Teacher Professional Development days, Yom Kippur, and Columbus Day, it’ll be mid-October before my kids have two consecutive full weeks of school! I could get into that kind of schedule.

And while it’s easy to envy my friend who works at the millennial startup and has “unlimited” vacation time, I am not fooled. I just keep reminding myself that, like the “need a penny, take a penny” dish at the convenience store cash register, nobody uses it, because you’re worried that if you do, people will start talking.

Growing up and going to work does have its bright spots though.

For one, I don’t miss riding the school bus. Although, it’s almost worse getting stuck behind one in a line of traffic, as I am now, and in the midst of having an awkward staredown with the three middle schoolers sitting in the back seats. Like the sheriff in a small western town, I hold my ground, hoping the current situation with the bandits who have invaded my small town will disperse without incident. But all hope disappears as the standoff is broken when one of the kids on the bus instinctively gives me the finger as his buddies are overcome with great laughter at my expense. 

And realizing that there’s nothing I can do because it would be wildly inappropriate to return the bird to a couple of middle schoolers on their way to the first day of school, I take it like a champ and confirm for the boys that I am what they think I am, a middle-aged loser.

So I turn up the Pearl Jam on my car stereo and reminisce about the awesome tailgate I partied at before Lollapalooza back in ‘92, realizing that, to the youth of today, I probably come off about as cool as the beer-bellied and balding 45-year-old who gushed to me at the age of 13 about seeing Zeppelin at MSG in '73 - while continuing on my journey to my 5,986th day of work. 

Don’t forget to share your “back to work” pics!

Writer’s note: After I wrote this, I saw a meme posted of a gentleman ready for work that said something like “tired of all the back to school photos? 8,000th (something or other) day of work”, so I realize this concept may not be entirely original….but it’s still funny when you see how inundated your facebook feed becomes with all of the back to school photos this time of year.

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