The Most Useless 48" You'll Ever Have
What’s 48 and a half inches long and can be held between my forefinger and thumb?
Get your mind out of the gutter.
It’s my receipt from CVS today. Absurd, isn’t it?
48.5” of receipt. And to pile more absurdity onto an already absurd situation, I only bought three items totaling $12.46. Shaving cream, hair gel, and a pack of gum.
I just undid every measure I took in the year 2018 to protect the environment in one single transaction at CVS.
Seriously, what the fuck?
For those that haven’t bothered to do the conversion yet, that’s just over four feet of receipt.
My receipt from CVS is as tall as the average seven-year-old boy.
The next time I visit Six Flags or any other amusement park around the country, my receipt from CVS would be a suitable source of measure when trying to figure out if a particular child was tall enough to board a roller coaster without being accompanied by an adult.
Speaking of boarding things, If I accidentally tried to board an airline flight with my CVS receipt fully extended, I would be required to check it as it surpasses the length restriction of a carry-on item by almost twice the allowable limit.
Only nine and a half inches of my CVS receipt pertain to the details of my transaction. That leaves 40 inches for...for what?
2 and a half inches of the receipt is an effort to update me on my Extracare Card Balance but the meaning behind the information within this space remains a mystery to me.
3 and a half inches of the receipt is offering me one free month of Carepass but I won’t be enrolling. I don’t even know what that is but if shave cream, gel, and a pack of Trident get me four feet of receipt, I fear that entering into further partnerships with CVS may result in complete mummification.
On a similar topic, what if I found myself in the presence of a dead body that required an immediate burial at some point in my life? Luckily, I could take out my CVS receipt and measure one and a half times its length to ensure the grave was deep enough for a proper resting.
The time stamp on my CVS receipt is 12:44 pm, although it was 12:52 by the time it finally finished printing and I left the store.
CVS used two inches of the receipt asking me to share my feedback. Consider that done.
If I were to find myself in the unfortunate situation of sitting on the toilet with no TP after going #2, I could rely on the ample real estate of my CVS receipt to be a suitable substitute. I estimate I could probably get about 12 wipes out of it. Possibly 15 or 16 if I’m conservative. In fact, I think it could handle a two-dump job. Yes, consider the four-foot version of the CVS receipt as two single-use servings of emergency TP. If you’re caught in a pinch the next time you need to pinch.
4 inches of the receipt offer me $5.00 off P&G razors and refill blades. The purchase of the shaving cream clearly has them thinking I shave more often than I actually do.
The next 3 and a half inches or so are dedicated to a $3.00 offer off Almay Cosmetics. I’m attributing this to the hair gel purchase and am starting to feel a little insulted.
By the way, you’d only need 226 and a half copies of my CVS receipt to reach the top floor of the Eiffel Tower. Only 266 if you wanted to go all the way to the tip.
Another 4 inches come in the form of a $2.00 coupon for any Pantene, Aussie, or Herbal Essence Hair Care Products, none of which I will be buying by the Jan. 11th expiration date. Or any time thereafter.
About 4 and a half inches are trying to entice me to spend $22.00 on Facial Cleansers (any brand!) with an offer of getting $5.00 off if I do. But the joke is on CVS as I can hold off on spending the $22.00 and just wash my face with this receipt for the next month. Instant Savings!
4 inches later, I’m getting offered $3.00 off a $12.00 purchase of Revlon Cosmetics, you know, in case Almay isn’t my thing. I’m still undecided. ISO opinions on both.
Do you know what the official distance should be between the boards in a standard game of Cornhole? It’s 6 and 3/4's CVS receipts.
In another form of 4-inch savings comes the offer with the least amount of monetary value, yet the coupon most likely to be used, which is $1.00 off a $5.00 purchase of toothpaste. Perhaps they’re assuming I have a bad breath issue I’m trying to cover up due to the gum purchase or that I’m over the top when it comes to oral hygiene. Either way, emergency toilet paper will go farther than any dollar off of a tube of toothpaste so I won’t be cutting up the emergency TP just to cash this one in.
Pushing further on the shaving front, 4 more inches of this receipt is dedicated to $5.00 off Schick razor blades or razors. This is starting to feel like the movie “Wildcats” where Nipsey Russell keeps offering people peanut brittle.
In an effort to bring this further into perspective, one yard is equal to three feet. I have over one yard worth of CVS receipt to bring back to the store with me in the event I decide to return my shaving cream or hair gel for any reason. Unlikely to happen, but thinking hypothetically as I would need to leave extra time for folding of the receipt to get it down to a manageable travel-size before I return to the store.
And it wouldn’t feel right if we didn’t wind down the last 4+ inches of this receipt on a complete miss and offer this man $3.00 of all Sally Hansen Nail products (except “Xtreme”). Sorry folks, I’m out on this one too. Had you included the “Xtreme” product line, you may have had me but I’m going to pass on the standard offering here.
I think I’ll keep this CVS receipt in my wallet for some of those unplanned instances in life where, say, we may need to kill some time with 96 games of Tic-tac-toe.
Or the next time I’m at a book fair, which is rare, and 113 or so people all need a piece of scrap paper for a bookmark. I will be there to offer bookmarks to all and still have enough left for 22 games of Tic-tac-toe.
Three items, one transaction, $12.46, 48.5” of receipt. These are the types of things that cause clutter in my life. It should be an easy decision to just throw this away. But I can't. A document of such length must be of great importance. Like the Declaration of Independence, the Bible, or my 401K Statement. This must be kept in the unlikely event that I need to reference the information contained somewhere within this four-foot retail document of shopping summation. Or more likely, need to measure the proper distance between boards for a game of Cornhole.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
It’s my receipt from CVS today. Absurd, isn’t it?
I just undid every measure I took in the year 2018 to protect the environment in one single transaction at CVS.
Seriously, what the fuck?
For those that haven’t bothered to do the conversion yet, that’s just over four feet of receipt.
My receipt from CVS is as tall as the average seven-year-old boy.
The next time I visit Six Flags or any other amusement park around the country, my receipt from CVS would be a suitable source of measure when trying to figure out if a particular child was tall enough to board a roller coaster without being accompanied by an adult.
Speaking of boarding things, If I accidentally tried to board an airline flight with my CVS receipt fully extended, I would be required to check it as it surpasses the length restriction of a carry-on item by almost twice the allowable limit.
Only nine and a half inches of my CVS receipt pertain to the details of my transaction. That leaves 40 inches for...for what?
2 and a half inches of the receipt is an effort to update me on my Extracare Card Balance but the meaning behind the information within this space remains a mystery to me.
3 and a half inches of the receipt is offering me one free month of Carepass but I won’t be enrolling. I don’t even know what that is but if shave cream, gel, and a pack of Trident get me four feet of receipt, I fear that entering into further partnerships with CVS may result in complete mummification.
On a similar topic, what if I found myself in the presence of a dead body that required an immediate burial at some point in my life? Luckily, I could take out my CVS receipt and measure one and a half times its length to ensure the grave was deep enough for a proper resting.
CVS used two inches of the receipt asking me to share my feedback. Consider that done.
If I were to find myself in the unfortunate situation of sitting on the toilet with no TP after going #2, I could rely on the ample real estate of my CVS receipt to be a suitable substitute. I estimate I could probably get about 12 wipes out of it. Possibly 15 or 16 if I’m conservative. In fact, I think it could handle a two-dump job. Yes, consider the four-foot version of the CVS receipt as two single-use servings of emergency TP. If you’re caught in a pinch the next time you need to pinch.
4 inches of the receipt offer me $5.00 off P&G razors and refill blades. The purchase of the shaving cream clearly has them thinking I shave more often than I actually do.
The next 3 and a half inches or so are dedicated to a $3.00 offer off Almay Cosmetics. I’m attributing this to the hair gel purchase and am starting to feel a little insulted.
By the way, you’d only need 226 and a half copies of my CVS receipt to reach the top floor of the Eiffel Tower. Only 266 if you wanted to go all the way to the tip.
Another 4 inches come in the form of a $2.00 coupon for any Pantene, Aussie, or Herbal Essence Hair Care Products, none of which I will be buying by the Jan. 11th expiration date. Or any time thereafter.
About 4 and a half inches are trying to entice me to spend $22.00 on Facial Cleansers (any brand!) with an offer of getting $5.00 off if I do. But the joke is on CVS as I can hold off on spending the $22.00 and just wash my face with this receipt for the next month. Instant Savings!
4 inches later, I’m getting offered $3.00 off a $12.00 purchase of Revlon Cosmetics, you know, in case Almay isn’t my thing. I’m still undecided. ISO opinions on both.
Do you know what the official distance should be between the boards in a standard game of Cornhole? It’s 6 and 3/4's CVS receipts.
In another form of 4-inch savings comes the offer with the least amount of monetary value, yet the coupon most likely to be used, which is $1.00 off a $5.00 purchase of toothpaste. Perhaps they’re assuming I have a bad breath issue I’m trying to cover up due to the gum purchase or that I’m over the top when it comes to oral hygiene. Either way, emergency toilet paper will go farther than any dollar off of a tube of toothpaste so I won’t be cutting up the emergency TP just to cash this one in.
Pushing further on the shaving front, 4 more inches of this receipt is dedicated to $5.00 off Schick razor blades or razors. This is starting to feel like the movie “Wildcats” where Nipsey Russell keeps offering people peanut brittle.
In an effort to bring this further into perspective, one yard is equal to three feet. I have over one yard worth of CVS receipt to bring back to the store with me in the event I decide to return my shaving cream or hair gel for any reason. Unlikely to happen, but thinking hypothetically as I would need to leave extra time for folding of the receipt to get it down to a manageable travel-size before I return to the store.
And it wouldn’t feel right if we didn’t wind down the last 4+ inches of this receipt on a complete miss and offer this man $3.00 of all Sally Hansen Nail products (except “Xtreme”). Sorry folks, I’m out on this one too. Had you included the “Xtreme” product line, you may have had me but I’m going to pass on the standard offering here.
I think I’ll keep this CVS receipt in my wallet for some of those unplanned instances in life where, say, we may need to kill some time with 96 games of Tic-tac-toe.
Or the next time I’m at a book fair, which is rare, and 113 or so people all need a piece of scrap paper for a bookmark. I will be there to offer bookmarks to all and still have enough left for 22 games of Tic-tac-toe.
Three items, one transaction, $12.46, 48.5” of receipt. These are the types of things that cause clutter in my life. It should be an easy decision to just throw this away. But I can't. A document of such length must be of great importance. Like the Declaration of Independence, the Bible, or my 401K Statement. This must be kept in the unlikely event that I need to reference the information contained somewhere within this four-foot retail document of shopping summation. Or more likely, need to measure the proper distance between boards for a game of Cornhole.
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